Conflict Resolution in Marriage: Insights from a Therapist
Conflict in relationships is common, expected, and not always a sign that something is seriously wrong. But when you’re in the middle of yet another argument, or it's happening for what feels like the umpteenth time, it rarely feels normal. Fortunately, there are many paths to effective conflict resolution in marriage, which we’ll explore below.
There are healthy, sustainable ways to handle disagreements that preserve connection. It’s not that advice is hard to find; it's that most of it is too generic to truly help. You may not have found what works for your relationship. Or maybe you have, but you and your partner are having trouble integrating it successfully.
Hi, I’m Dena, a clinical psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist. I’ve been professionally helping couples navigate conflict since 2010. In this article, I’ll share some of my experiential insights for resolving relationship conflict, as well as concrete tips for how you might reconsider going about resolving conflict in your relationships.
Tips for Healthy Conflict Resolution in Marriage
To truly and effectively resolve conflict in a marriage, we need more than quick fixes or garden-variety frameworks. We often need a deep, nuanced understanding of the conflict itself and of ourselves and our partner. From there, we need access to thoughtful and emotionally safe dialogue and to learn how to do that if we don’t already have the tools. We also need to believe in fair, collaborative opportunities that lead to mutually satisfying solutions founded on respect, love, kindness, and wisdom.
While that sounds amazing yet difficult to obtain, I’ll walk you through eight nuanced, practical steps to achieve this – the same ones I practice with my clients. The steps below will help you slow down, think in new ways, reflect differently, and reconnect more deeply.
1. Start by asking: Do we both want to resolve this?
Successful conflict resolution in marriage requires being in a conversation with someone who actually wants to resolve the conflict with you. Check in with yourself, too. Do you truly want resolution, or are you only or mostly seeking to be right, feel heard, or simply make the discomfort go away?
Here are four questions you can ask to clarify that intention together and ideally restore connection right from the start:
Do we both genuinely want to understand each other more fully?
Are we both willing to take some responsibility for what’s happening?
Are we invested in finding a solution that works for both of us?
Does it feel safe for each of us to learn about our blind spots here?
These might seem like simple or obvious questions, but I’ve seen countless couples shift by answering them honestly. There’s a big difference between “we just want the fight to stop to feel better” and “we’re committed to understanding this better together.”
2. Clarify the type of conflict you’re in
Once you’ve affirmed that you’re on the same team–and that you both genuinely want resolution–the next step is to get clearer on the kind of conflict you’re dealing with.
Is this a recurring conflict?
Is this a one-time or situational conflict?
Could this actually be about something other than what we think this conflict is truly about?
This is where things start to shift. If it’s a recurring issue, it’s not likely to just “go away.” This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Researchers like John Gottman, PhD, estimate that as much as 69% of relationship conflict is regarding perpetual or recurring problems. Some conflicts don’t resolve once and for all, but can still be understood, softened, and managed with care – more on this below.
If it’s a one-time or situational issue, there’s often a clearer resolution path – something happened and it can be addressed directly, or a decision ultimately needs to be made. These usually require different kinds of conversations than recurring issues do.
Taking the time to name what kind of conflict you’re in helps you stop spinning your wheels and start working smarter, which is a foundational part of conflict resolution in marriage.
3. Consider whether someone else is part of the conflict
Sometimes, the issue between you and your partner isn’t just about the two of you. It may involve someone else, such as a friend, family member, colleague, or child. That involvement can complicate the conflict in ways that aren’t immediately obvious.
Before rushing to a resolution, take a step back and ask:
Is it really (or only) about us, or does it involve another person(s) too?
Does the third person(s) need to be a part of the resolution, or do we need to strengthen our boundary around the relationship first?
Are we aligned in how we understand and experience this other person’s role?
Many couples skip this step, but it’s critical. Strong relationships often rely on well-rounded boundary systems. Naming outside involvement isn’t about blame but about understanding the relational ecosystem you’re both living in, and whether it’s supporting or straining your connection.
4. Get clear on each of your thoughts, feelings, and needs vs. wants
While this might feel tedious or overly introspective, it’s foundational. Before you can reconnect with your partner, I recommend you reconnect with yourself.
Follow these steps to get really clear:
1. Start with your thoughts. What are you actually thinking about your partner, the situation, and yourself? What assumptions are you making? Is black-and-white thinking involved? Try to name your interpretations and check if they’re grounded in fact or feeling.
2. Tune into your emotions. Sadness, shame, fear, guilt, or hurt often hide beneath anger or frustration. Determine what you’re really feeling, and try to own those emotions. Consider asking your partner how they experience you emotionally during conflict, and listen openly to the answer.
3. Identify your needs and wants. What is truly non-negotiable for your sense of emotional safety, respect, or connection? Then, consider your wants. Maybe you want them to respond in a certain tone or text more often, but is that a need? Clarifying this distinction helps you show up more authentically and negotiate more effectively.
5. Take turns sharing and stay open to each other’s perspectives
Once you’ve laid the groundwork by clarifying your own experience, affirming your shared commitment, and understanding the full context, you can move into active dialogue. But keep in mind: how you structure that dialogue matters just as much as what gets said.
I recommend viewing this as the first of several conversations, not the one that has to resolve everything. That mindset alone can alleviate the pressure and create space to handle conflict with more compassion.
Here are a few concrete tips to support this process
Choose a time and place that supports success. Avoid jumping right in before work, bed, or a big event. Give yourselves the gift of presence.
Take turns. Practice “listening to understand” rather than “listening to respond.” Try reflecting back what you hear before offering your own perspective.
If you notice the conversation looping or escalating, take a pause. It’s okay to say, “Let’s take a break and come back to this at a mutually agreed upon time and place.
Don’t force a solution. Sometimes, clarity and connection grow from just being heard. Let each perspective land, and resist rushing to fix it.
For example, if your partner says, “I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells,” your job in that moment isn’t to defend or correct. It’s to listen, reflect, and understand what that experience is like for them, even if it's hard to hear and even if that is not true from your perspective.
Every relationship has its own communication rhythm. Your goal here isn’t perfection; it’s progress. Stay open, stay steady, and build a dialogue that can hold both of your truths.
6. Tend to the hurt, even if the conflict isn’t resolved
Even if the conflict isn’t fully resolved, chances are you still care about each other. That’s why it’s important to tend to the emotional impact of the conversation, especially when things feel raw or unfinished. This step supports your relationship and your individual mental health, especially after a tough conversation.
This kind of repair is not about solving the issue. It’s about shifting from the problem itself to the feelings that remain. You might still feel upset or misunderstood, but you can still choose to care for each other in the aftermath.
Try asking each other:
How are you feeling after that conversation?
Do you need anything from me right now – comfort, space, or just presence?
What could help us reconnect, even a little?
Reconnection can be as simple as offering a kind word, sharing physical affection, or spending time together doing something grounding. In other words, can you speak each other’s love language?
7. Collaborate on what moving forward looks like
Once you’ve clarified your thoughts and perspectives and tended to any emotional aftermath, it’s time to gently shift the focus toward what comes next. The goal here isn’t to tie everything up perfectly, but to begin exploring what resolution could actually look like for this issue at this moment.
Try asking questions like:
What would help each of us feel a little bit more at peace with this, even if it isn’t fully resolved?
What could we each be willing to commit to/promise to do differently going forward?
Is there a shared value or outcome we both care about here?
You may begin to solve problems in your relationship simply by naming shared values and creating small agreements. Maybe you agree to check in weekly about a recurring issue or revisit the topic with support. You might decide the resolution is less about solving something and more about understanding it differently and learning to cope with its long-term presence.
Many couples achieve conflict resolution in marriage not by agreeing perfectly, but by staying emotionally aligned. The key is to co-create something that you both feel is fair and respectful enough, and grounded in some semblance of mutual understanding, not just a compromise for the sake of ending the discomfort.
Resolution isn’t always (or often) about agreement. It’s about alignment and being able to say, “We’re on the same team, and we’re committed to navigating this well together.”
8. Consider getting support from a couples therapist
Some conflicts are too difficult to navigate alone, no matter how much love, insight, effort, or literature you’ve brought. That doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It usually means you’re facing something layered, vulnerable, or deeply patterned and/or one or both of you have not yet had to navigate this conflict together before. Couples therapy can significantly help in both of these areas..
A skilled and experienced relationship therapist can offer support with the following:
Navigating fights on your own for long-term success in your marriage
Having a safe space to slow down, look closely at your words and behaviors, and analyze your feelings
Learning effective ways to communicate the same thing, but be more likely to feel heard
Naming what’s happening on a deeper level, beyond what each of you is seeing at the moment
Building the tools you need to solve problems in your relationship together beyond generic wisdom sold to the masses
Therapy isn’t just for couples in crisis. It’s also for couples who are invested in learning, repairing, deepening, and doing the work with help. It can support emotional safety and long-term mental health for you as individuals and as a couple.
Healthy Conflict Resolution in Marriage: Final Thoughts
If you’ve been looping through the same arguments, struggling to feel heard, or finding it hard to reconnect after conflict, you’re not alone. Many couples experience these moments, not because they’re failing, but because resolving relationship conflict often brings out our most vulnerable parts. And while the steps we’ve explored here can offer clarity and direction, implementing them often takes time, support, and practice.
You’re doing meaningful work just by reading this. But if you’re finding that it’s harder than expected to apply these ideas, that’s completely normal. These tools for conflict resolution in marriage may seem simple in theory, but navigating them in the context of real emotions, histories, and patterns is far more complex.
If you’d like to explore additional guidance from a supportive, skilled therapist, feel free to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. I offer virtual therapy and would love to answer any questions you may have about working together to rebuild connection and handle conflict with more compassion and success.