Multiple Perspectives: Source of Disconnection or Opportunity for Intimacy?
and some questions to ask yourself
Every couple, family, or relationship coming into my private practice is struggling with the same thing - different perspectives.
Two people in therapy usually equals two different ideas about what “the problem” is.
Clients are often eager for me to help them figure out “who” the problem is.
Or, what “one person” needs to do in order for everything else to feel better.
But as a relational therapist, that’s not my aim.
Quite the contrary, in fact.
In relational therapy, I’m working to deeply and critically understand each person’s perspective.
I’m not listening for “right or wrong.”
I’m listening for:
who each person is
how each person feels
how each person thinks
each person’s original and current sources of pain
We all fall into the trap of thinking our source of pain is – what the other person in front of us is or isn’t doing.
But often, our deepest pain points are much more nuanced than that.
Often, our deepest pains are simply triggered by the other person in our relationship.
Successful therapy clients find themselves accepting that multiple perspectives exist at the same time. That one person’s experience doesn’t have to negate or undermine another’s.
Clients realize that what they really want is to know the other person cares about them.
I love promoting the idea that different perspectives exist and relationships can become stronger. It’s true and I see it happen every day.
We get there by taking the time to listen, understand, and validate each person’s experience - even if it doesn’t align with how someone else feels/thinks.
We get there by allowing the perspectives to be shared fully, without interruption.
We work to be curious about the impulse to interrupt, why, and where that’s coming from.
Supporting and empathizing with each person’s experience is a significant part of what relationship therapy is all about.
When I’m doing that, other people in session have the opportunity to see what it’s like to simply listen, and ask questions.
From there, it’s actually easy to find more areas of agreement than folks realize existed before starting therapy.
Most people don’t disagree on everything, even if they think they do.
Finding areas of overlap or agreement are absolutely key to building relationship strength.
The commonalities bring us closer to the tools we need to bridge the gaps of difference.
Differences don’t have to mean that people don’t love each other or don’t want to be in the relationship.
In fact, people often fight or argue because they want the relationship to work or feel better.
When I’m listening to clients describe very different perspectives on the nature of the problem, what we usually uncover are different problems that also need attention.
Relationship therapy is an “everybody wins” approach to healing.
As the therapist, I’m frequently asking myself, “what does each person need and how can we get there?”
It’s one of my favorite parts of the process - building these connections despite differences.
Contrary to popular belief, couples and families do not need to agree in order to feel closer, healthier, and more hopeful about the future. But often, they need to learn how to be better listeners, validators, and sharers.
questions to ask yourself
Here are nine questions to consider the value of multiple perspectives in your relationships:
What exactly is my perspective and how deeply have I considered it?
What would be different if the other person(s) agreed with my perspective?
Am I comfortable with disagreement? Why or why not?
Do I believe love and care can still exist even if we don’t agree? Why or why not?
Is my attachment to my perspective rigid? If so, what am I afraid of re: letting go of it?
What are times we have had different perspectives that have actually helped our relationship?
Do I believe it might be possible to move forward, even if we don’t agree?
Do I confuse agreeing with love, care, and/or respect?
What are ways the other person(s) shows they care about me besides agreeing/disagreeing on this topic?
I promise it’s possible to have healthier, more satisfying relationships - even if you don’t agree with each other. I actually find that people tend to agree more than they realize they do and that it sometimes takes the support of a third party to help highlight those strengths. Often, what we think we are most upset about is actually a cover for other, more undiscovered parts of ourselves. Therapy can often help us make sense of this.