How to Reconnect With an Estranged Sibling & Decide if It’s Right
Understanding how to reconnect with an estranged sibling and if it’s even the right choice can feel overwhelming, but you aren’t alone.
Estranged siblings are more common than many people realize. A national poll conducted in 2025 found that roughly 24% of Americans report being estranged from a sibling. A German study similarly found that about one in four adults experience some period of adult sibling estrangement.
While research studies and popular media articles can be helpful, their usefulness is often limited. Many don’t cover the nuance of your family’s history, who each of you is, and the very real, complex reasons for your sibling estrangement.
My name is Dena, and I’m a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist who's been supporting estranged siblings and family members since 2010. In this article, I hope to help you better understand your estrangement and decide whether reconnecting with your sibling is right for you. We’ll also explore how to thoughtfully approach reconnection and what therapy for estranged siblings can look and feel like — including what to do if your sibling wants to rebuild the relationship and you’re not sure how to respond.
Should you reconnect with an estranged sibling?
You should reconnect with an estranged sibling if you both decide you want to, and if reconnection feels possible given each of your capacities and bandwidths.
However, if one or both of you are experiencing significant life stressors or other challenges within the same family of origin system, reconnection might not be the best choice right now.
Experiencing significant life stressors unrelated to your estranged sibling is not a black-and-white reason to avoid reconnection. However, it’s important to be aware of these stressors, as they may influence your capacity for reconnection and the process of therapy with an estranged sibling.
When deciding if you should reconnect with an estranged sibling, slow down and consider these questions to clarify your decision
Do I genuinely want to reconnect, or do I feel pressure to?
What part of me wants to reconnect, and what part of me is hesitant?
What is motivating me to consider reconnection right now?
Do I have the bandwidth for reconnection right now, given everything else going on?
Am I able to clearly name and communicate my perspective on the estrangement?
What harm needs to be acknowledged for reconnection to feel possible for me?
Am I willing to take genuine accountability for my own part in the breakdown of our relationship?
What kind of relationship am I realistically open to?
How will I take care of myself if reconnecting brings up old pain or disappointment?
How to Reconnect with Estranged Sibling
If you’re making the first move to reconnect with an estranged sibling, congratulations because this is a courageous step. Below, I’ll share a few things to keep in mind as you move through the process.
Before reconnecting
Before attempting to reconnect with your estranged sibling, take a deep breath to center yourself and get clear on why you’re doing this.
Be clear on your motivation: Take time to understand why you want to reconnect now. For example, it might be curiosity, longing, pressure, guilt, or a genuine desire for contact.
Distinguish between your hopes and fears: Notice what you’re hoping might happen and what you’re afraid could happen. Try not to let one overrule the other.
Work to keep your expectations realistic: Reconnection doesn’t automatically lead to repair, closeness, or resolution. Staying grounded in what’s actually possible can help protect you from unnecessary hurt.
Identify your boundaries: Get clear on what you’re not willing to tolerate or revisit, even if reconnecting brings up past emotions or old family dynamics.
Be ready to take accountability: Sibling estrangement usually isn’t caused by just one person. Meaningful reconnection honestly reflecting on your own role in the relationship.
Decide what kind of relationship you are actually open to: This might be limited, gradual, or exploratory rather than the idealized version you wish were possible.
Name the worst possible outcome, and be ready for it to happen: Preparing yourself for disappointment, silence, or a difficult response can help you move forward with greater emotional stability.
Make sure you have other supports in place: Having your own individual therapy, trusted loved ones, or other sources of support outside the sibling relationship can help you work through this process feeling more emotionally safe and less isolated.
This kind of preparation isn’t about doing everything “right.” It’s about entering the process with as much clarity, steadiness, and respect for yourself and your sibling as possible.
Initiating contact
Initiating contact with an estranged sibling is one of the most vulnerable parts of the process. There is no “perfect” or “right” way to do it, but it’s important to approach this with clarity, boundaries, and respect. During this process, remember you’re not committing to a relationship yet but rather exploring whether one might be possible.
Start small with low-pressure: An initial message doesn’t need to explain everything or resolve the past.
Craft a clear message: You might say something like, “I’m reaching out because I want to consider the possibility of reconnection. Are you open to this?” or “Are you willing to go to family therapy with me?”
Keep the focus on the present: You can name curiosity or openness without revisiting the full history of your relationship right away.
Use “I” statements: Speak from your experience and about yourself rather than making assumptions or declarations about theirs. For example, you might say, “I want to take accountability for my role in our challenges,” as opposed to, “you caused these challenges.”
Choose a neutral, non-public medium: Consider whether text, email, or mailing a letter might be best to break the ice. This gives your sibling time to receive and reflect.
Allow space for any response, including none: A response may take time. Silence is also information, even if it’s painful — and it often is in this situation.
Be prepared to pause or step back: Initiating contact doesn’t obligate you to keep going if it becomes harmful. While reconnection usally isn’t easy, if it causes too much distress, it’s okay to take a step back.
Rebuilding your relationship
Rebuilding a relationship with an estranged sibling is often slower and less linear than people expect. It’s not a single conversation or moment of clarity, but a series of several interactions that build trust over time as they reveal where the challenges still live. Healing from family estrangement often happens in these in-between moments, not through a dramatic resolution.
If your sibling agrees to rebuild your relationship, consider the following:
Can you do this on your own, or do you want to attend family therapy: Family therapy can be a helpful way to move through repairing your relationship.
Decide on a pace that feels tolerable for both of you: Reconnection tends to feel safer when it unfolds gradually. Too much pressure or fast repair can feel overwhelming and is often unsuccessful.
Practice active listening, especially when it’s uncomfortable: Listening to your sibling does not require you to agree with them — and you probably won’t. However, active listening is crucial if you're both going to reconnect and repair.
Stick with your “I” statements: If you speak from your own thoughts and feelings about your experience, as opposed to what they did, who they are, or what harm they caused, the conversation has more opportunity to go well.
Validate each other’s feelings: Regardless of if you “agree” with or “approve” of their feelings, validate them. Each person has their different perspectives and feels what they feel, even if you feel sure your facts would make them feel differently. Reconnection requires meeting each other where you are.
Absolutely expect old dynamics to reappear: Family roles and rules often persist much longer than we’d like, so be prepared for this. It’s not a sign things will never change but an indicator of where healing can happen.
Put space between interactions: Get comfortable creating clear days and times for conversations, and allow them to feel unfinished when time is up. Space can allow you to reflect and integrate before continuing the process.
Seeking support
Reconnecting with an estranged sibling can bring up complicated and conflicting emotions. Even when reconciliation is something you want, it may surface grief, anger, pain, hope, and/or old family dynamics that are difficult to re-experience.
Having the right support during this process can make it much easier.. Support will help you slow down, stay grounded, and think more clearly as you move through the process of repair.
Support can look like:
Individual therapy to process emotions, clarify boundaries, and decide next steps
Therapy for estranged siblings to explore healthy reconnection
Conversations and time spent with trusted loved ones
Other forms of support you typically rely on during difficult experiences
My Estranged Sibling Wants to Reconnect
If your estranged sibling wants to reconnect, it can land very differently than if you were the one considering reconnection. While you may feel happy and relieved, you might also feel caught off guard, pressured to respond, or unsure whether or not you actually want to reconnect. All experiences, and sometimes a mix, are completely normal.
It’s also okay if you’re not open to reconciliation right now, and that decision also deserves respect. Reconnection works best when it’s mutually desired, well-paced, and consciously chosen.
Consider the following to decide what’s best for you:
Do I want to respond, or do I feel obligated to: Obligation is sometimes something we feel without even realizing it. Take time to sit with yourself and determine what feels right for you. You might even tell your sibling you need a certain amount of time to think about things.
Do I have the capacity and bandwidth to engage right now: You’re allowed to factor in your current life circumstances to decide if this timing is good for you. If not, you might consider what timing would be better for a future opportunity to reconnect.
What pace would feel safe for me: You can respond without agreeing to immediate closeness or ongoing contact. You might suggest a cadence or frequency that could work, but give yourself the options. For example, you might chat once a month with the option to change this later.
What boundaries do I need to hold from the start: Get clear about your boundaries and what you are or aren’t willing to engage in. Then, take the time to clearly and kindly communicate this.
Respond, or don’t: Consider your options, whether that means responding openly, responding with limits, or choosing not to engage.
If you decide you may be open to reconnecting, the earlier sections of this article outline what thoughtful initiation, pacing, and rebuilding can look like. Those same principles apply whether you or your sibling is reaching out to reconnect.
How to cope with sibling estrangement?
To cope with sibling estrangement, be gentle with yourself and prioritize your own well-being.
The following approaches can be helpful:
Acknowledge the loss - Sibling estrangement can carry grief, even when the decision feels necessary or protective.
Tend to your emotional needs - Make space for your feelings and seek support that helps you feel grounded and understood.
Build a fulfilling life outside the relationship - Invest in relationships, routines, and activities that support your well-being, even if the estrangement remains unresolved.
Navigate extended family dynamics thoughtfully - When other family members have opinions or expectations, aim for honest, clear, and respectful communication to help you move forward as peacefully and functionally as possible.
Therapy for Estranged Siblings
Sibling therapy can significantly improve the quality of the reconnection and the possibility for repair. While it’s possible to reconnect with an estranged sibling on your own, professional support can make the process much easier and more successful.
It’s hard to change long-standing patterns when you keep having the same fight over and over. Therapy can give you the tools to do things differently. It can also help you get much clearer about where the problems actually are because they aren’t always where you think they are.
In many cases, conflict between siblings has less to do with the sibling relationship itself and more to do with intergenerational trauma, long-standing family roles, and other family members. Thoughtful professional support that helps clarify the underlying issues, rather than focusing on blame, can be an important part of moving forward.
An experienced estrangement family therapist can help set an appropriate pace, keep each person accountable, and support conversations that might otherwise stall or escalate. Therapy can also help translate insight into a clear, actionable plan, rather than leaving you and your sibling stuck circling the same issues without traction.
How to Reconnect With Estranged Sibling: Conclusion
If you find yourself carrying several feelings like hope, grief, curiosity, hesitation, frustration, and maybe even relief, that’s normal. Sibling estrangement is rarely simple, and deciding whether or how to reconnect isn’t about finding the “right” answer. It’s about understanding your history, your limits, and what feels possible for you at this moment.
If you find yourself feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to move forward, feel free to reach out for a free consultation. We can work together to decide if therapy for estranged siblings might be right for you.