The Danger of Calling it “A Toxic Relationship”
and some questions to ask yourself
Some of the best advice I can heed with you is to consider the words we’re using to describe someone or a relationship.
If you have any form of social media, you have probably seen memes that describe, “toxic people” or “toxic relationships.”
I cringe when I see those phrases.
My opinion – these phrases are not often helpful to people.
In fact, I think we limit our own growth if we define people and relationships this way.
Instead, I prefer to consider toxic parts.
A person can have toxic parts. (many, in fact)
A relationship can have toxic parts. (also, many, in fact)
But most of the time, these “toxic people & relationships” also have parts that are not toxic.
And it’s usually those “non-toxic parts” that we miss, are fighting for, or wish weren’t so outnumbered by toxic traits.
Losing the parts of the person or relationship that we loved is usually painful.
And some of us attempt to combat that pain by looking for or focusing on the negative aspects.
In my experience, that only gets us so far.
We still have to deal with loss. Potential regret. Being wronged. And our own contributions to the toxicity.
Calling someone toxic doesn’t actually make our pain go away.
Assuming the whole relationship was toxic doesn’t teach us what we need to know to improve the health of our future relationships.
And, sometimes we have some pretty toxic parts, too.
questions to ask yourself
Here are 6 questions that may be helpful if you’ve found yourself saying, “that relationship was toxic” or “they are toxic”:
What parts of the person/relationship weren’t toxic?
What will I miss the most?
Do I feel better when I label the whole person/relationship toxic? If so, how?
What are some of my toxic parts?
Where did I learn about the word toxic?
How much do I let social media inform my ideas about relationships?
The way we talk about things influences the way we feel about them. The word toxic is one of many examples. See if you can begin to view behaviors as toxic, instead of people. See if you can even notice some of that within yourself. Mental health emanates from being able to hold other people accountable, but also being able to hold ourselves accountable. Sometimes the parts of others that we dislike are some form or variation of something we struggle with within ourselves.