Why can’t I let go of my ex? A Therapist’s Insights
If you’ve ever wondered, why can’t I let go of my ex, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with this, and it often feels confusing, painful, and even frustrating.
Research shows that attachment to an ex can linger for several years before it starts to weaken. However, the timeline looks different for everyone, depending on your unique situation.
As a relationship and family therapist, I often work with clients who feel stuck in the past. Letting go of a relationship is rarely simple because it can bring up old wounds, questions, and deep emotions.
In this article, we’ll explore why letting go can feel so hard, what might be keeping you tied to the past, and how reflection can actually help you move forward. My goal is to give you clear, compassionate insights so you can better understand your process — and begin to find peace.
7 Reasons It Might Feel Hard For You to Let Go
1. The Past Can Feel Safer Than the Present
Even if the relationship was painful, it may still feel safer than today. That’s because the past is familiar. And for many of us, familiarity feels comforting, even when it hurts.
The present is less predictable. We don’t know what’s coming, and uncertainty can feel scary. So instead of focusing on what’s new, your mind may keep pulling you back to the story you already know.
Ask yourself: What feels uncertain or uncomfortable in my life right now? How might facing this help me grow?
2. You Believe You Were Happier in the Past
It’s common to connect a past relationship with a time you felt happier. But sometimes it wasn’t only the person contributing to your happiness — it may have been your stage of life or other circumstances. I love this interview discussing the comfort of nostalgia, which can contribute to these types of relationship experiences.
When we’re struggling to let go of the past, it’s easy to romanticize past events. You may focus on the highlights while overlooking the challenges, which makes the relationship feel harder to release. In fact, there’s a name for this: Fading Affect Bias.
Happiness can return, but it often takes new forms as we grow and heal.
Ask yourself: What might new happiness look like for me now, even if it feels different from before?
3. You and Your Ex See the Past Differently
Breakups are hard enough. But when your view of the relationship doesn’t match your ex’s, it can feel even harder to let go.
This mismatch can create cognitive dissonance — the discomfort of holding two conflicting truths. You may find yourself replaying conversations or memories, hoping the pieces will finally align. Or you might want to keep talking things through, thinking it will help you move on. In reality, that urge often comes from a part of you that still wants connection.
When someone you cared for sees things differently, it can feel invalidating or confusing. Yet peace is possible even without agreement. Learning to accept that two perspectives can exist at once is a powerful step in moving forward.
Ask yourself: If my ex agreed with me about the issues in our relationship, what would that change? How would that help me move forward without them?
4. The Relationship May Not Have Been as Healthy as It Seemed
It can be painful to realize that a relationship wasn’t as healthy as you believed. But often, the more unhealthy the relationship was, the harder it is to let go.
After a breakup, it’s common to fall into black and white thinking and see the relationship as either all good or all bad. In reality, most relationships live in the gray, with both strengths and struggles.
Healthy love built on trust, safety, and respect often allows for a cleaner ending. When those elements are missing, confusion and deep attachment wounds can linger. Facing this truth can help you see why moving forward feels so difficult, but it’s also a powerful step toward personal growth.
Ask yourself: What did I learn from this relationship that can help me have a healthier one in the future?
5. Family Patterns Can Make Letting Go Harder
How we process breakups is often influenced by family. If you grew up in a home where people held onto resentment or struggled with conflict, you may have learned to do the same.
These patterns are sometimes part of intergenerational trauma, where unresolved pain and coping styles are passed down through families. It’s not your fault, but it can shape how you handle endings.
Reflecting on your family’s approach may help you see whether old patterns are keeping you tied to a past relationship.
Ask yourself: How did my family handle conflict or endings, and what do I want to do differently?
6. You’re Avoiding Something in the Present
Sometimes we focus on the past because the present feels overwhelming. Feeling stuck on an ex can be a way to avoid dealing with today’s challenges, including leaning into a secure relationship with a new partner.
For example, you may feel triggered by issues in a new relationship, which couples therapy can help you navigate. Or you might feel discouraged if dating hasn’t gone well.
Dwelling on the past distracts from those feelings, but it also keeps you from facing what’s happening now. Turning your attention back to the present gives you the chance to work through challenges and create space for growth and healthier connections.
Ask yourself: What part of my life needs more of my attention right now, and why?
7. Saying Goodbye Is Simply Hard
At the end of the day, love is powerful. Even if it wasn’t the right relationship, saying goodbye means grieving lost connection, dreams, and parts of yourself.
Letting go of a relationship is a process — one that takes compassion and time. Grief has no set timeline, and it’s normal to feel sadness before moving forward.
Ask yourself: How have I allowed myself to grieve, and what might acceptance feel like for me?
Letting Go of an Ex: FAQs
For more on letting go of a relationship, get answers to common questions below.
Why is detaching from someone so hard?
Detaching is hard for myriad reasons that are specific to the person, place, and circumstance. Love, memories, and identity get tied to a relationship sometimes shattering who we think we are or were. You may also feel unresolved about the past or scared of the future. Or, you might not feel confidence in your current support network, making the most recent intimate connection feel like “all you had.” All of this, and much more, makes moving on feel overwhelming.
What are the stages of heartbreak?
Heartbreak often mirrors the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. But not everyone experiences them the same way or in that order. Some people cycle through stages more than once, and that’s normal. Heartbreak, like most emotional processes, is not linear.
How to get over an ex you still love?
To let go of an ex you still love, allow yourself to grieve, and accept the fact that you may never “fully let go.” Be patient and kind to yourself. Lean on supportive friends, family, or a therapist to help you process. Healing takes time, but it is possible, and it is work. This kind of work can feel really hard to do when we are in so much pain, already. The right therapist will know how to support you in it.
Letting Go of an Ex: Conclusion
If you’ve asked yourself, why can’t I let go of my ex, know that the answer is nuanced and complex. Many factors, including family patterns, fear of the unknown, or even nostalgia, can make the past hard to release.
The good news is that reflection can be powerful. I recommend learning how to reflect well versus trying to avoid it. Understanding why you’re struggling to let go of the past helps you move forward with more compassion for yourself. Over time, this process can bring clarity, healing, and even hope for future relationships.
Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means honoring what was, learning from it, and making space for what’s next. But, what does letting go mean to you?
